“Immature people falling in love, destroy each other’s freedom, create a bondage, make a prison. Mature persons in love help each other to be free; they help each other to destroy all sorts of bondages. And when love flows with freedom there is beauty. When love flows with dependence there is ugliness.” Osho
Our world has been going through an enormous change in the last couple of years. Awareness and spirituality both are growing more each day. In the end of last year the world went through a big cleanse, many amazing people parted from this world and many relationships came to end. There is a big change happening in the level of human relationships. There are so many divorces and break-ups, among partners, friends and family relations. The way most people enter into a relationship, why they have one in the first place and why they stay in one, is not in harmony with our true nature. Somewhere along the way the true meaning of a loving partner relationship has been lost.
Love and fear are two foundational feelings of the human kind. All the other feelings are based on these two. There is a saying that where there is fear, there is no love and where there is love, there is no fear. Yet most of our relations are still based on fear and very few of them are based on love. But what does love really mean? This word is tossed around so much, that I feel we've lost the true meaning of this word a long time ago.
Last year I went through a big change in my life. I divorced from my 3-year marriage and ended an era of being in relationships for 20 years. I realised at one point that I had never been alone in my life. I had always been in a relationship and I had no idea where I end and the other person begins or vice versa. I never took the time to be on my own and get to know myself.
After my divorce I still had a few short relationships and experiences with men, because the old programs still kept running. But life would not let me fall back into the old patterns, something inside of me had changed for good. In the next 6 months I learned more about love and relationships than I had learned in all my life before. I learned more about myself than I ever had. I realised my own shortcomings, all the ways that I sabotaged myself and my relationships. I saw all the things that I had been looking for outside and all the expectations I had put on my partners. During these few months there were many moments of love as well as many moments of deep pain. Through these experiences I started to gain more understanding of what unconditional love really means. My heart was being cracked open experience by experience and teaching me to be in the state of love at all moments while being fully detached with each person, each experience.
Just before Christmas I was attending a shamanic medicine journey. My intention for that night was to heal everything inside of me that kept me away from experiencing true love. On the second night of the ceremony after drinking my second round of medicine I suddenly had a huge heart opening. Tears burst from my eyes and I felt the sense of "me" disappearing completely. I felt a need to let go of everything that I knew I was. I felt being in the state of total surrender and giving. There was no need to take or chase anything. No need of being loved back by someone. There was only surrender, acceptance and feeling of being in service for the masculine. This was not a feeling based on a person, this was purely love pouring out of me. The joy and bliss that I experienced in that state was beyond imagination. Tears of happiness were falling from my eyes endlessly for a few hours. And then I realised at that very moment: I had never known true love before, towards myself or anyone else. That night has been one of the greatest gift of my life up to know. Now I can say I know what love truly is.
Why is it that we do not experience this state all the time, feels this should be our birth right or is it not? We do not experience the state of love at any given moment because our collective consciousness is filled with fear and every one is affected by that since the day we are born. Fear is being spread to each area of our life, especially through media. As if there is always a lack of everything, a constant deficiency. Most relationships are full of fear and if fear is present, then love is absent. All these fears that are being fed to collective consciousness constantly are keeping us away from being in peace and harmony. We are made to believe that there is not enough love, water, food, money etc in the world. We have so many fears in our head. And yes, they are in our head, because in our hearts, there are no fears, there is only love.
Because of that fear we often form relationships on utterly wrong reasons. Many people keep looking for the other half...... a missing half, who should come and help us become a whole. As if we’re imperfect by ourselves alone! The truth is we are already a whole and there is no one out there who can come and fill anything. We can only do it ourselves.When we are constantly told that there is a lack of everything for everyone, then whenever we experience something good, we start automatically building a fear, that this too can be taken away from us, because surely enough the good things do not last. And most of all, we do not deserve the good things or people. So we tend to self-sabotage our relationships right from the beginning. I know I do. I have been told times and times that I am not good enough, not smart enough and not pretty enough in my childhood, so I started to believe it. It has taken me many years to understand that all of that is not true and that I am pretty and smart and good enough, but I still have to remind myself of that sometimes.
The key to love
When I divorced my marriage I had been in relationships for 20 years out of my 35-year-old life. Even though the divorce was my wish and decision, I still felt deep fear in the following weeks. What if I’ll be left alone now and will never find anybody? I oftentimes woke up during the night and felt completely alone and forsaken. Yet, I had understood long before the divorce that we can never really be truly with someone else, as long as we have never experienced being truly alone with ourselves and being happy in that space. Still, even knowing all that, there was a program constantly running in my subconscious, the program of fear. I had never taken the time to get to know who I am because I’ve had a fear. I had never been alone. I had always defined myself through my relationships and hidden all my fears in my partners. I knew despite of that fear, I couldn't distract myself with another relationship anymore and now was the time to really get to know myself.
Then waking up one morning the fear was gone. I understood that being in relationships led by a state of fear, can never bring upon a true happiness. In the last months I’ve peacefully taken time for myself. For the first time in my life I am not looking for anything. I am fully happy and peaceful where I am right now. My life is full of beauty and magic. Each day feels such a blessing and I thank myself each night when I go to bed alone for this gift I have given myself of being alone and finally learning to love myself at the age of 35.
When we enter a relationship as a half, looking for someone to complete us, we are never going to be happy, because there will always be a sense of lack in the background. And what if the other person leaves, then we will be imperfect again. We raise high expectations to our partner and most of the time the time they will fail, because the expectations are too high and it is not their job, it never has been. We’ll need to stop looking for love outside of ourselves and thinking what can I gain from this relationship. When we come from the heart, we come to give and serve. We only take what is offered freely without having any expectations or demands on the other.
The real key is to find this love within ourselves, because then there is no more lack. No one can take away what is within you and has been created by You. Fear-based relationships can't and will not work anymore. Those relationships hold more pain and suffering than joy and happiness.I feel we spend way too much time of our lives being in relationships with others, without developing a proper relationship with ourselves first.
People keep losing their true self in relationships and stepping into energy of fear, where they’ll keep shrinking smaller and smaller until they’re completely dried up. We change to please the other, losing the connection with ourselves. And losing Yourself will take You very far from being happy and content. Exactly the opposite happens, we become unhappy, resentful and lost in our ways. Looking at the rate of divorces, which in many countries is about 70% already, I have a sense that only 10% of people are truly happy being in a relationship. I feel one of the main reasons for that is that we stop being who we really are and follow our own hearts because our freedom is lost to shaping ourselves to what is expected of us.
When a man and a woman meet they both have an idea in their heads of what an ideal partner would be like for them. Often times this has been created by the wonderful fairytales we hear in the childhood. That idea gets projected onto the other person before we ever take the time to really get to know them. In reality we should set aside our own projections, take a step back and take time to really look who this other person is and do we really like them. No one will be able to match the ideals that we have in our heads, because the fairytales are not real. We should be able to say at one point, just like in the movie Avatar: "I see You" and really mean it.
We are all human with our positive and negative sides. What is good for one is bad for another and vice versa. To truly love someone means not to set conditions and expectations upon them. To love unconditionally means to look at this person with our hearts instead of your eyes and to accept them fully as they are in reality, not in our dreams. When we can do this, we start a Sacred Relationship.
A Sacred Relationship between a man and a woman is where to people consciously enter a relationship allowing each other to be completely free. Often times being free in a relationship is understood as the right to have sex with other people, but for me this is not the essence of it all, it's meaning is far more deeper.
In Tantra there is a lot of talk about open relationships and free love. It is a relationship between two humans who don’t have expectations and do not set boundaries for each other and let the other person be exactly who they are. If we don’t like who this person is, then we always have the option of choosing with our feet and walking away. A relationship based on fear doesn’t leave such an option, but rather brings a drive to try and change the other person. A sacred relationship holds support in everything for each other and the most important goal is to simply grow together. Two people choose this path of supporting each others growth and walking hand in hand as partners without forgetting who they are as individuals.
Our only lifelong relationship is with ourselves. This is the main relationship we need to work on, the other relationships have to come second. First and foremost we need to develop a Sacred Relationship with ourselves. And when You have reached a place of Sacred Relationship with Yourself, then You are ready for a man/woman Sacred Relationship. This means that we love ourselves unconditionally, don’t set expectations or ideals also upon ourselves. If you can give Yourself such freedom and love then you are in a state of unconditional love with Yourself.
By loving ourselves we affirm our perfection and wholeness even when we aren’t in a couple-relationship. This way we can be truly free even when being in a relationship, as it won’t ever become a prison, but a place we choose to be in lovingly as it never lessens us, but rather complements.
Jaya Shivani (Katrin Silman)