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Realising The Self

"When You let go of fear the truth will appear,
so simple and clear"
"And when love overflows You can only let go and be swept back to sea,
this journey will end where it started my friend in the heart’s mystery” (lyrics from song Heart's Mystery" - Nick Barber)

​​I have been interested into spirituality since my early 20ies. Before I reached the age of 30 life had put me to the path of Yoga and Tantra. I have been on this that path for the past 5 and half years and it has been a great journey of self-discovery. Waking up the other morning I reached a point where I had never been before.

I believe every spiritual seeker hopes that the journey we take upon us should lead to self-realisation or enlightenment. When most people hope that by a certain time in their life they have acquired enough material assets, then spiritual seekers hope that before the end of their life they have reached selef-realization. So here is my story of how I realised the self and buy that I am not saying by anyway that I am enlightened, but hopefully much more conscious and awake.

The other day I was listening to Alan Watts’s lecture “Fear of Enlightenment”. The last story he tells in his lecture, is when a guru asks his students what is the greatest sin of the mankind? People think it’s murder, spiritual pride etc. But it is none of them: the greatest sin according to the guru is that we do not admit that we are the Creator –we are God. And then it hit me....all my life up to this very moment I have been the creator. There is no one else. There is no one else to blame, there is no one else to point our finger to. Not our parents who didn’t raise us well enough, not our friends who didn’t treat us right, not our partners who cheated or misbehaved. It’s all us, it always has been. And when I realised that – I realised myself.

Yes, I have been reading all that in many spiritual books and heard it from hundred different teachers, but I never really got it.

In August this year, I decided to end my marriage. We had been together for almost 4 years and married for 3. It was the day of our 3rd wedding anniversary when I realised that it is time to move on and let each other go. It wasn’t an easy decision, but I had been thinking about it for a long time already. The day I made that decision so much energy was freed up, I felt like sitting on speed train to growth. From that moment things started happening. How life started to guide me to certain places and certain people was miraculous. I have learned and experienced in the last few months more than I have in the last 5 years. I went through deep love and deep pain. My heart chakra has been physically in pain for weeks and has been cracking open with such depth.  Pain is a great teacher as long as we do not let it swallow us.

And then one morning I woke up after a deep conversation with my friends until 4 am in the morning and I realised it, I realised myself.

All the people and events in my life have been cleverly planned by me – the Creator. Now I look at my life like a play or a book, that I have written, carefully creating each chapter. All the characters in our play have been created by myself, all the scenes, all the roles. Because we do not know how to look inside of us, so the outside world is a beautiful and fair mirror of what is going on inside. We experience in our childhood what we need to experience so that it would bring us here to this present moment. We experience in our relationships what we neede, to bring us to the present moment. We call other people into our lives, because we need to experience something. Most things have been created even before we entered into this life. Our higher selves have made and agreement with other people's higher selves in order for us to have a certain kind of experience and when the time is right we are brought together to do the work we need to do.

So if everything is created by me then it means that all blame, shame, guilt and accusations fall away. The most importantly my story fell away. We all have a story that we are carrying around with us. This story has become our identity. Usually our story involves rough childhood and pain experienced in our relationships. We do not want to let go of our story. Because then we get to be in the victim stage. We get to blame someone else for our pain. This way we do not have to take responsibility, because it is always our government, parents, partners or kids who are to blame for our misfortune. It is so easy to go around and tell our story to everyone. We get attention with that story and we get to hide our words and actions behind that story. Jack drinks because he had a rough childhood. Ben beats his wife because his father beat him. Lucy leaves relationships because her mother left her father etc. Each and everyone of us has many stories that we constantly feed with our energy. We keep living them over and over again. But that story doesn’t exist anymore. That story is long gone, only thing that keeps it alive is us telling it over and over again. The worst thing people can do is go to a psychiatrist year after year, once a week and tell their story over and over again. There is nothing to heal…..there is nothing to dig…..the only thing we need to do is pack Your bags and stop living in the past.

And when You stop living in the past there is no excuse for You not to take full responsibility. There is no excuse not to live in the now. There is no excuse to keep running to drugs, alcohol, sex, eating or whatever the way it is that You are distracting Yourself from Yourself. You are running away from Yourself, but You can’t ever run away from yourself, can You? You can go to the other end of the world, but You will always take Yourself along.

Spiritual teacher Ram Dass says that the only reason we experience anger of sadness etc, is because we refuse to accept things the way they are. We have a certain understanding of how thing should, could be. We want to control things, because then we feel safe. And we want to control because we do not have trust. Our life seems like a constant struggle if we keep fighting and controlling. We need to surrender and surrendering means trust. And the only one You need to trust is Yourself  -  no one else.

It is time to let go. The dirt will never end, more and more dirt can be discovered. So either You wake up today and decide to leave the past behind and have a clean canvas starting from today or You keep suffering. Once You truly realise that You are the creator and that You have created all of Your life up to the present moment, You can create anything else too. But it is up to You. Either You give energy to the pain of the past or You start giving Your energy to the beauty of Your present moment. When You trust life, by trusting Yourself, You can live in the present moment. In the present moment there is no pain. Ego wants to hold on to our story, because if I let go of my story, then Who Am I?

Just like Mooji says: “Just drop it”. Stop bitching, whining and complaining. Say thank You for all the experiences You have had in Your life. There is no need to label them. They had the right time and place and they were created by You to serve You.

If everyone woke up today and realised that they and only they are fully responsible for everything that happens to them, this world would be a very different place. Now I know some people will think, but if someone is raped or killed, then how can it be that they are responsible for that. But they are in a certain level. This is the experience that they have called into their lives, because their soul needed that experience. And we might never know what that experience is, but we need to trust life and if we do not trust life it actually means that we do not trust ourselves. And most people in the world do not trust themselves.

By realising the self I have experienced such joy and freedom these last weeks. This is not something that comes from outside, it comes from deep inside and it can’t be taken away from me. This doesn’t mean that I will never experience pain again and that I will be in full bliss 24/7. But it does mean that I have so much more awareness of things happening around me and I am not a victim anymore, because I take full responsibility of my life. I know that I trust what I have written and what I will be writing, but most of all I will be in the present not worrying and knowing that it is safe for me to watch the unfolding of the story of my life from now on. Everything that I have created for myself is safe.

Also this experience has given me the amazing gift of experiencing unconditional love…..a love where You have complete honesty, openness, vulnerability, trust, complete freedom. Where there is no conditions, expectation, no need to change the other. Where time and location are not important. And You can experience this only when You trust Yourself. Then You can let go of the conditions that society has put on relationships and explore a whole new level of them.

I am eternally grateful to all the relationships in my life, because of them I am here and now, I have become who I am today. And I am perfect just the way I am, no need to fix or adjust anything. Our relationships are the biggest mirrors and greatest teachers.

And in the end there is no other. Everything is me, because duality only exists in this level of consciousness. And like one of my ex-lovers so beautifully wrote the other day: “ Until perhaps everything falls away and I realise one day that I was You all along”. Because it is only the ego that creates the illusion of the separation.


Namaste,

Jaya Shivani

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