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The Perfect Relationship

"Perfect Relationship" for me means two people who CHOOSE to stay together. Two people who are both responsible for their own happiness and know that the key ingredients of a successful relationship are: Love, Respect and Honesty.  
It has been a little over two years since I was last in a relationship. This has been my longest break ever. Before that it had been 20 years of relationships with short breaks in between. When I ended my marriage 2 years ago, I dived into a new one the same week. That had been my pattern since I was 15 and I knew no other way. 

After being in a new relationship for a few months, I had a session with a psychic who told me that it was time for me to release all my ongoing relationships. Yes, I wasn't just having one relationship. There was a thought of reuniting with and old lover, the new relationship and another man that had occupied a part of my mind and heart. The psychic told me that my pattern had always been to hide behind men and I had never given myself a chance to discover who I truly am without a relationship. I knew she was right. Being in relationships was the way I was defining myself to the world.

I felt very scared to let go of everything that was feeling familiar and enjoyable. At that time I needed relationships like air. In addition I was experiencing the best relationship in my life. I asked the psychic that if I'd let go of all the men that are occuping my mind and heart, if a new one would come along soon. I was like a monkey, who didn't want to let go of the branch, until a new one was firmly in his grasp. The psychic told me that within 3 or latest 6 months I would have a new relationship that would make all the other relationships in my life seem secondary.

After the call, I took some time to think. In worst case scenario I would have to be alone for half a year. That didn't seem so bad and I knew that I could handle that time. After weighing on my options I decided to let go of everything and make room for the new to come. I wasn't focusing on the time that I was about to have with myself, but of course  thinking of the next relationship. But little did I know what she meant with that new relationship.

It was very hard for me to let go of everything. I was going through a very complicated time for couple of months. For the first time in my life I was alone. I remeber waking in the middle of the nights feeling scared and anxious, thinking that I might never find anyone again. After a while it all started to fade away and my life took a turn for the better.
After the first 3 months had passed I wasn't waiting for a new relationship anymore. I had taken a long look in the mirror and realized that there was work that needed to be done. I decided to heal every part of me that needed to be healed. Truth was the new relationship had arrived - it was the relationship with myself. 

In my previous relationships with men I had always been very jealous. Fear was my everyday companion. I was controlling, manipulative and dominant. It was always "my way or the highway". The relationship had to be played according to my rules, because then it felt safe. My biggest fears were that I wasn't enough, that my partner would leave me and that I truly don't deserve love. Of course I got to experience everything what I believed. Although I walked out of relationships more often, than men walked out on me. It felt more safe to leave than to be left. All my relationships were an ego driven sufferings.

After having experienced a truly amazing relationship and being alone I started to get a much deeper understanding. Understanding made me want even more to heal myself and the wounds I was carrying from my childhood. This is not a place for blaming the parents, because I know that they did the best they could at that moment. And if I hadn't experienced all that, I wouldn't be the person I am today.

These last two years have mostly been about me. To understand all the patterns, beliefs, blockages and fears. If someone  asked me a few months ago if I was in a relationship, my answer was always the same: I don't want to be in a relationship and I don't have time for one. And it was true, I couldn't think of giving up anything for a new relationship at that moment. My priorities were my work, kids, friends and most importantly my time with me - something I had never really had before. 

I can't believe how much everything has changed with the last 2 years. My fear of being alone has completely disappeared. Just recently I started realizing that I want to be in a relationship again. What has changed is that I don't need one anymore. But I am happy to be in one, when it comes along.
Over the years I had read loads of articles, books and taken many workshops about relationships. The message from each and everyone of them was that it all starts with You.
It is one thing to listen to it, another thing to understand it and a completeley different thing to experience it.

Today I know what kind of relationship I truly want - the kind I have with myself. My wish to experience a relationship with a man comes from a very different place now. From the place of sharing and giving, instead of needing and taking. 

A good relationship should bring joy for both. It shouldn't feel as a burden or as an obligation. I find that many relationships in today's society are based on all the wrong reasons. So instead of bringing joy, they bring pain and suffering.

You can experience a good relationship when You have healed the one You have with Yourself. For me it meant letting go of fear, accepting myself as I am and with all that I have done. I have had to look in the mirror countless times during these two years. To look at Yourself without judgment is very hard but also very liberating. Because from that place there is space to create something new. If we don't like parts of ourselves, then we can let go of them. And by letting go we create space to invite in the things that we do like and appreciate. If we don't know how to let go, then we can always ask for help. Ask and You shall be given.

The perfect relationship for me means a place where partners don't have hopes or expectations towards each other and no judgment. There is no desire to change one another. A place where all Your deepest wishes, dreams and secrets can be shared. If there is no judgment, a place of acceptance and safety is created. Life becomes about sharing the deepest joys and hardships. A place where no one wants to own or to be owned. Being together is a choice that You take in each moment and being alone is a choice that can also be made within the relationship. As long as there is freedom in every moment and choice in each minute. There is trust and respect. Two people who take each other exactly as they are and love each other until they both choose to. Where there is growth and where You can discover the deepest parts of Yourself.

I am very grateful that I had the courage to let go of the best relationship that I had ever experienced, because I wasn't truly ready for it then. And I feel joy that I had been able to experience it, because I know that fairy tales can come true. 

So bring it on Universe! I am ready!

With Love,

Jaya

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